I’ve recently joined Total Health and Fitness (T.H.&F.), a program that infuses nutrition and exercise tailor-made for its individuals. It’s hard. For one thing, I had to get on a scale and see what it said. Usually, during such evasive events, say at a doctor’s office, I keep my back to the screen when I step on the scale. It’s a way for me to continue wading in denial. It used to be I’d measure my size by how my clothes fit, but I’m finding I’m running out of clothes because I’ve stopped wearing anything without Spandex on its label.

My torture continued at T.H. & F. when I had to get a picture taken of all sides of my body; front, back, left side and right side wearing said Spandex, a sports bra, and humiliation. I was then guided moment by grueling moment where every morsel of food I had to start eating was laid out and written in portion controlled sizes and brownies weren’t anywhere on the list! I understand I’m not fat, not yet, though I’m on the Candyland Express heading there. I’ve fallen off the wagon and into the ice cream truck, and I’m hoping I can figure a way out.

Knowing what I’m up against—food deprivation, workouts requiring dumbbells and tension bands and giving up eating whatever I want—I’ve started wondering, what’s wrong with being obese anyway?

Look at all the societal ills obesity can solve. Instead of spending $120.00 and up for fifty-minutes worth of therapy, why not buy a bag of Double Stuffed Oreos that cost around three bucks? Plus, it saves time–no more making therapy appointments six weeks in advance. Opening a bag, dunking a black and white delight in a glass of milk and watching it transform from hard to something soft and digestible is instantaneous. It makes you happy, now.

When it comes to that tingle that new love brings, it’d be easier to buy a box of Godiva chocolates rather than having to spend time with some pesky individual, getting to know them. Also, every time you bite into a triple chocolate truffle, you’re engaged in the feeling of new love every single time—no more having a cooling off period–no more describing your relationship as a deep friendship. And, if you don’t want to buy the expensive chocolates because you’re not interested in a relationship and are just looking to satisfy lust, chocolate chips from the cupboard work just as well.

Food can work wonders for public education, too. A big problem among educators is the number of kids with attention deficit issues who are compelled to move around rather than focus. Why medicate these kids when we can simply feed them more?

We can weigh food options depending on how much of a problem a kid is causing. For example, Jim might be easily distracted but can focus for stretches of time when he’s not getting out of his seat. In this case, Jim gets a donut. Bill, on the other hand, gets out of his chair regularly, talks incessantly, interrupts the class always and starts the occasional fire. Solution? Two words—Food Coma.

The point isn’t using food as a reward for disruptive behavior it’s to use treats to make students immobile, forcing them to do nothing but sit there. They’ll get bored and start paying attention through osmoses learning!

What about the environment? How can obesity help the situation? My argument is a short one; being less active means, you’re less likely to go anywhere which leads to less traffic. Less traffic means less pollution—Bam! Solution possible!

I know, I know, what about the health risks associated with obesity? What about a shortened lifespan? Well, according to the New York Times, since 1950, Americans are twenty-six pounds heavier but are living ten years longer.

If you’re still not convinced, I say, let’s discuss this over a plate of Nachos. You’ll be surprised how it’ll change your mind. Until then, I have to go. I have an appointment to figure out how to suspend myself from a TRX band hung from the ceiling, and I have to stuff myself into a pair of Spandex first.