Story 17/24: Aw, the ugly Christmas sweater—proof that a bad notion can always get worse. Celebrating Christmas via the ugly Christmas sweater is an amazing concept to me. I’d assumed that the trend would happen and then disappear by way of Day-Glo tees. It hasn’t—it’s still going strong and getting stronger.

There are party games, bad sweater kits, and events with it as the theme. The sentiment has even gotten into our food—sugar cookies designed to look like hideous knits! It makes me wonder if taking a bite of one would result in a mouthful of yarn—would that be part of the joke?

Now don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, I’m not against the idea. I mean, finally, Christmas parties where people are encouraged to demean themselves—it’s fun! At the very least, it gives me a break from having to demean all by myself. Tacky is as tacky does, I suppose.

Being a certified (maybe that’s certifiable?) punster, I get a kick out of the messages across the front of sweaters that read, “Gangster Wrapper” or “All Aboard the Bipolar Express”—I’m a big supporter of anything that requires loading up the crazy train to get there!

Who came up with this trend anyway? Did they get rich? Are they still getting rich? My Brian had a great idea years ago of making t-shirts with sayings written in braille—genius! Unless you can’t read braille and don’t realize that the message encrypted on the front is, “stop touching my chest.” Perhaps they should dispense shirts like these, only openly legible, to any aspiring actress or corporate intern—of course, just to be safe, those would also include a shock device that ignites by a safety switch or is triggered through the touch of a sweaty palm.

Anyway, Christmas is the season of giving, of joy, and apparently, it is the time of year where what you wear requires one-liners and must be battery operated! So to all of you, happy Ho! Ho! Ho! and don’t worry, it’ll be over soon!