COVOID: A Survival Guide for Cohabitation During COVID-19

We are living in dangerous times—that’s an understatement that brings to mind those PSAs like, Stay Safe, Stay Healthy, Stay Home. Although Utah’s decree is now Stay Safe, Stay Home, Stay Connected, I wonder if T-Mobile or Zoom sponsors it?

Everyone is getting on the positivity wagon, too. On every media platform, someone has tips about staying home, spouting positive platitudes to help us get through the pandemic until we’re allowed to roam the earth once more.  On paper, the motto works, at least it sounds doable, but the idea is a lie.

The real danger is that we are all (for the most part) staying home, and after eight weeks of lock-down, home isn’t the healthiest or safest place to be anymore because of who we are living with.

Lately, I’ve been having fantasies and no, don’t get all excited, they’re not those kinds of daydreams. I’ve been picturing things I want to do to the people who are around me 24/7. I’ve conjured small annoyances that could be regarded as simple mistakes, harmless accidents, but are pointed frustrations from being in this situation in the first place.

And, just so nobody sends the police to my door to do a Wellness Check on the Allen’s, my fantasies are non-violent, pranks I haven’t executed and don’t plan to either—though, talk to me on day 300 of lock-down!

Any whooo–I’ve compiled a list of No-No’s, things to avoid doing during the COVID-19 isolation, that I will share with you. Think of it as a placebo effect (I’ll write it out, so you don’t have to do it).

 

Don’t sneak into your husband’s (or wife, or girlfriend’s, boyfriend’s, and or roommate’s) office while he (or she or they or them) are away for their quick bathroom break. In secret, don’t raise their office chair a half-inch.

Don’t move their car/house keys to a new location every time you come across them, just because they don’t ever, ever, put them away. Please don’t take their shoes and hide only one of them.

Don’t K-cup yourself a coffee and dump the rest of the water into the plants, so that he’ll have to refill the reservoir when he gets out of the shower every, single morning. Don’t eat all the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for lunch. Don’t take all the ice in the freezer.

Don’t lower their office chair when they go on their second potty break. Don’t put the television on the Lifetime channel and then stash the remote in your purse. Then, after he has scoured the living room for an hour searching for said remote, don’t suddenly walk to the most obvious place (because after 55 delicious minutes of torture, you have taken it out of your purse and put it there) and produce the coveted device.

“What? You mean this remote?”

Don’t pick up his wallet and move it to the kid’s bedroom. Don’t then move it to the patio. Don’t go around the house and pluck out all the tissues and leave the empty boxes (don’t worry, it’s not like you’re going to chuck a precious commodity such as toilet paper or T.P. equivalent, in the garbage. Even in your wildest dreams, you’re not that cruel!). Don’t switch his sock drawer with his t-shirt one every other day.

It doesn’t matter that it seems he’s breathing a lot more and louder than ever before. Nor does it matter that his snoring has gotten worse, or that he’s got the jimmy legs and uncut toenails so that as his legs are spasming in the middle of the night, they chop notches into your shins. Still, don’t short-sheet his side of the bed. (Also, if this is happening, it might be wise to keep several toenail clippers out, right where he’ll see them). Hint, Hint!

Remember that stupid pull-over hoodie, the one that you bought at a Truckstop in Beaver, Utah, on your way home from St. George because the logo was unbelievable? Yeah, that one. Stop wearing that pull-over hoodie day in and day out because it’s dirty, really dirty, and your better half has grown to despise it, but not because the words, “I heart Beaver,” aren’t funny anymore.

Yep, these days are tough, really, really tough. Know why? Because typically, we are people who go to work or go to school. We are people who separate from each other between 9-12 hours a day, five days a week. That’s the secret to a long-lasting relationship—equalized space and distance!

Even if we don’t leave our house during the regular 9-5 work hours, we live with people who do. Not anymore!

Today, we are living in a snow globe. We are caged animals—Monkeys behind glass enclosures. See? Apes flinging their feces makes a little more sense now, doesn’t it? I know it’s not just me who’s feeling like this, either!

Since the virus and isolation, I’ve noticed a sharp rise in people jogging. Do you think they’ve received enlightenment while in lock-down? Do you think they’ve decided to get into shape now that they’re home? Nope. They are running away from their significant other or else from their kids! Getting in shape is only the side effect. Unfortunately, there is nowhere to run to, so basically, they are hamsters on a wheel. Sigh.

I hate to say it but, until we thwart COVID-19, we have to recognize that we are living a nightmare! It’s a continuous Ground Hog day except it’s set during Rush-week at a Fraternity (hopefully, with a lot more alcohol involved, unless you don’t partake in La elbow-bending than I redirect you to the freezer section at Walmart. Ben & Jerry’s is on the bottom self).

Until then, Stay Safe, Stay Savvy, Stay Sane while staying home. You can do it. You have to. Otherwise, you might create your own No-No list, a much more malicious one, and in that case, maybe I’ll see you in about 5-10 after you’re paroled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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